psychoneurosis

I actually like your choppy style. I get a lot of different emotions from this and even though I have to reread it to interpret what it means...it almost seems right to do so. It was very unique. However, I do think you could add in another stanza, it almost seemed to little to be choppy, but another staza should even it out just fine.

words escape
behind imperceptible
mouths of silver nitrate,
pouring, a waterfall of deceit,
into an empty sink:
a vulnerable mind.

**This was my favorite part. The others compared to this one were a little fuzzy, since this one seemed a lot clearer. Personally, I'd rather have you clear the other stanzas up to match this then to have you change the first one to match the others. Just a personal suggestion.

the forfeit.
corruption takes its hold:
spreading roots into
the mold. domination.

**It seems like "domination" should be it's own line like in the others. It's too strong a word to be it's own sentence in a line with another.

Other than that I liked it. I'd like to see where it goes after being edited a bit more. PM me if you have any questions or need help with anything.

Keep it up!
~Rieda

Hmmm. I liked it, but I would agree it isn't very connected. Maybe add a stanza after the first.

to whence:

i have been writing for about three years and just recently switched this forum.
i've kind of adapted a style, and this is very similar to my style, although a bit more broken up, but i purposely wrote it so.

it's more along the lines of you could state very simply, "brainwashing." but more to the point, allowing others perceptions and opinions parade into your mind and take over.

the choppiness is to show the confusion of such an experience. yes, there are some things that i'm glad you pointed out and i will definately clean this up :]

yeah, my style isn't so traditional... but that's what i like about it.
plus... i've also been experiencing some MAJOR writers block for the past few months, so this is a big step back into the game.

Thanks for the crit,
--claire

I found it hard to follow, but I really liked it simply based on your imagery, and I think I have a vague idea of what it's about. I think the first stanza worked particularly well. If I was to be really picky I'd say I think it would sound better without the comma at the end of the second to last line of the poem, but I can't find anything else specific that I dislike about this piece.

I wish I understood anything about poetry...seeing as I don't though...

yeah...I don't get it...sounds sad.

<3
JC

I can see some weird drama kid acting this out with beret atop his head and overdone hand motions as accompaniment.

Ok, work on a singular overall theme to weave 'in between' the lines. I hope you know what I mean.

This wasn't abysmal, but it wasn't great either. Your images were interesting, but choppy-ish and undeveloped.

Read poetry... integrate what you like and learn into your pieces... yada yada, if you don't know this drill by now [as you're new] check out any other poetry crit by me

Happy reading
~Ed